I am feeling pretty fed up, I am uncomfortable, have a lot of pain in my hips and lower abdomen and have awful indigestion! Everything is a massive amount of effort from picking up a sock from the floor to getting the children in and out of the car and I am TIRED!! My patience is wearing very thin and my feet have swelled up and look like giant marshmallows! Parenting two under 5's whilst 39 weeks pregnant is bloody hard work. Oh and it was my birthday on Tuesday and it was rubbish! I thought I would be cradling a new born baby in my arms, watching box sets, instead, I was parenting two pre-schoolers with cabin fever on the wettest day in weeks with a trapped nerve in my hip. There were tears, mostly mine.
But I am not supposed to moan and complain am I?! I am not supposed to say how fucking hard it is, because I brought it on myself. I wanted a baby therefore I have to put up with the consequences. Also I am a full-time-mother so should be over the moon about not having to go to work. Oh and choosing to home educate...another "rod for my back".
So my own choices have made my life harder. This is true, but does that mean I shouldn't get to moan about it from time to time? No one would think badly of someone moaning about their PAID job, even though they chose that, so why do I feel I have to put up and shut up? And why is it so damn hard to ask for help? It's my choice, why should I expect help?
I don't have an answer.
So that's the bad news,
but here is the wonderful news. I have the most amazing friends.
They know who they are and I couldn't be more grateful for them. They are the best listeners, they don't mind hearing me complain about how hard it all is, they don't jump in to say "well you should have done such-and-such" and "here is the obvious but totally impractical/unachievable/impossible solution to your problem", they don't ignore me altogether because I bring them down, or because my problems are too big for them, or because they think I don't deserve help, or because they are too busy, they are just there, present in my misery, holding my hand.
And do you know what else? They OFFER help! They don't wait for me to ask (hard), they go ahead and offer. I don't always take it because that's hard too, especially when I know that they have their own children to look after, their own pregnancies, jobs, sick parents, etc etc, but the fact that they offer to help, and mean it, means the absolute world to me, it makes me feel so loved and cared for and seen.
Just today for example a pregnant friend (just a few weeks behind me) is looking after my two boys so I can have a rest. A couple of weeks ago another friend paid for me to have an hour of reflexology, while she looked after my boys so I could relax and have some time to myself, another friend had us over for the morning so I could just sit whilst the children were being amused, another friend offered to baby sit for an evening, text messages to let me know I am being though of, yet another friend text me today just to see how I am doing. I could go on, telling you about the small and big acts of kindness I have received from my friends, it is so incredibly heart warming and I am so thankful, so incredibly grateful. It's something I will treasure forever.
So friends, thank you for your kindness, not given through some sense of obligation, or because you owe it to me or because you feel guilty, but because you are kind, wonderful people who see need and want to help. How amazing is that?
I hope you know how much I appreciate you all and how loved you have made me feel.
And one other thing whilst we are on the thank you's. I am incredibly thankful that all the pain and discomfort I am experiencing will disappear almost the moment this baby is born, I will have my body back. My heart goes out to those who through no fault of their own experience chronic pain, are morbidly obese or are suffering in any way with out an end in sight.